Broodiness vs. wanderlust

I’m ready.

I’m not ready yet.

Damn it, sometimes it sucks to have the world as your oyster.

Let me explain what I mean. I’m in my 20s and if I lived in a big city instead of a Caribbean island, I’d be pretty much what you would call a yuppie or buppie (young urban profession or black urban professional). Since I’m not, I have taken up the term islandista. I think it implies a certain excellence at and dedication to the best and most sophisticated elements of an island lifestyle.

Anyhow, I’m a 20-something islandista with a good job and good job prospects – excellent really. I’m very well educated, not living at my mother, earning a decent salary (at last!), in a great, stable relationship (at last, at last, at last!). Basically I can do whatever I want to do.

I’m just not sure sometimes what that is. On the one hand, I have been feeling terribly broody and maternal these days. Every where I turn it seems another friend of mine or friend of my man’s is getting pregnant, engaged or married – sometimes all three. In the last two years there have been something like 6 or 8 babies among my circle of friends and 4 weddings (well, one is coming up in August). Next year threatens to be busier.

I see ads for Luvs diapers (you know that one with the cute little black baby wrestling the teddy bear?) and I go all soft in the head. When my period comes, I’m vaguely disappointed (even though I know I’m on the pill so I don’t know what the hell I’m really expecting).

While the reasonable, rational part of me says I need to get a few more things in place first like more savings, a car, a wedding, another part of me is a bit envious of my friends and associates who got ‘surprised’ by their babies (which is basically all of them -LOL) and are now loving parenthood. I think ‘well they didn’t have every single thing in place and they are making it work – most pregnancies are unplanned anyhow – why not do the damn thing?’

On other days though, I’m relieved that I still have my freedom. And even with the freedom I have, I feel a bit hemmed in by expectations (mostly my own). I envy my friends who are living overseas and travelling the world, seeing exotic places like Korea, Japan, Egypt and Nigeria. I want the freedom to jump in a few more carnivals around the world without having to think that I am sacrificing vacation time that should be used on my child. I’ve already spent 4 years living outside of my homeland but I could do with two or three more- particularly in a large city. It would be fabulous to be living in another country and experiencing all it has to offer – but with a job and money instead of as a broke student!

And the thing is, these feelings are almost equally strong. Some days I want nothing more than to settle down, establish myself, have a baby, get married, set up a business. Other days, I am filled with wanderlust, like I haven’t finished seeing the world yet.

Is it possible to have both? Particularly as a woman? I’m a true feminist but I am also a realist. I know the sacrifices my mother made for me and the accommodations she’s had to make to raise her children.

Am I ready to sacrifice like that yet for another human being? I’m not sure.

And I’m sure I’m not the only islandista feeling that way.

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3 comments for “Broodiness vs. wanderlust

  1. July 7, 2008 at 8:28 pm

    bwoy I use to feel exactly like that, but when the time come you will be the perfect mother, and yes that baby will be attending carnival just like mama…smile

  2. Nedster
    July 8, 2008 at 11:42 am

    I can relate so much to what you’re feeling. I’m in my latter twenties, engaged and will be moving in with my fiance in a few days and getting married next year. A part of me is thrilled to finally be living the ‘adult’ life but another part is terrified that I’m losing the coveted nonchalance every single woman has. I also get all weepy when I see babies or baby-related anything but it doesn’t take long for me to get a cruel reality check whenever I babysit my lovely niece. As sweet as she is I feel SO relieved (shame-lol) when her mum returns for her. Its as they say, time will tell, as for now, I’m putting that maternal clock on indifinite ‘snooze’ lol.

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